By Angela Bickford
I’ve been around children all of my life. I’m the oldest of six children, loved babysitting, became a teacher, and loved on all my friends’ kids. When my husband and I got married, we knew we wanted to be parents and didn’t even think twice about getting pregnant, we expected it to happen.
It did. Right away in fact.
But then it ended, during a hurricane of all times. We were devastated. I thought I would never recover. I was scared about trying again, scared I wouldn’t be able to have children, scared sometimes about nothing. As I mourned the loss, I began closing off those around me. If I couldn’t be a mom, I didn’t want to be anything else.
But the worst part wasn’t the miscarriage. It wasn’t the subsequent shots and timing and planning of fertility drugs. It was the lonely, barren feeling that the women who deal with this issue feel inside, deep inside, where a baby is supposed to be.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
It took awhile to get over it, truly get over it. I was angry at everyone: pregnant women, moms with babies, my husband, myself, God. Other people didn’t understand. And, to top it all off, everyone around us was getting pregnant, even my unmarried siblings! I felt robbed.
It’s been almost 3 years since then, and things are very different now.
No, we’re still not pregnant, but we’ve learned to overcome our fear and trust in the Lord. Fully. Without understanding.
We spent many long nights on our knees begging, pleading, battling with God over our desire to be parents and His lack of coming through for us. We learned on our journey to acceptance that God wanted us to discover our parenthood in what we had around us first. To look in each opportunity we had that we skipped over, missed, ignored. It was all around us if we just looked for it. If we just trusted without understanding.
It was helping one of my siblings who was pregnant and alone with nowhere to go. It was looking after foster animals who were being put down if no one rescued them. It was taking in a foreign exchange student on a moment’s notice. And it’s all the kids who call us aunt and uncle.
We don’t know what God has in store for us, but when we looked past the pain, we found something better, stronger. Peace. There’s a peace in knowing that God has it under control, that He knows what’s best for you and that all will be revealed in His timing. You just have to trust. Yes, even when you don’t understand.
“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my
strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:1-2
What do you need to trust in Him for today?
To hear more of Angela's story click here to listen to her share on Elevate 4 Women Radio.
This story was also posted on LeadHer.org.